No Thanks, I’m Trying to Quit*
Anti-Addiction Pill -
April 16th, 2009
A long time ago, if you wanted to block the pleasure or excitement receptors in your body you had to cut off your penis. Thankfully, today’s pharmacological advancements have led to a slew of new anti-addiction medications that some experts claim halt the release of brain chemicals linked to addiction. Great news if you’re feeding an expensive habit. Absolutely horrible news if you are a brewer, drug dealer, or rehabilitation specialist.
Critics worry that society’s quick fix mindset may cause addicts to believe that a simple pill can end their substance abuse. However, they say, medication does nothing to address the behavioral aspects of addiction. Perhaps, but isn’t that what the after-school special and straitjacket are for?
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6
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The number of times Robert Downey Jr. has been to rehab. Downey, a self-proclaimed drug addict since the age of 7, thrilled audiences last summer in the box office smash Iron Man which made nearly $100 million in its opening weekend…while sober. Hats off, brother! |
If one oversteps the bounds of moderation, the greatest pleasures cease to please.
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Epictetus, worst ancient Greek philosopher to party with EVER!
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thirteenth-stepping
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A negative term used by some AA members to describe romantic or sexual involvement between a member and a newcomer, or what NAMBLA would refer to as a home run.
Legal measures against drug abuse in the United States were first established in 1875, when opium dens were outlawed in San Francisco. Helping your buddy take a whiz at the bath house – totally fine.
Where Addiction is Cheaper than Treatment
| Facility | Fee | Famous Patients |
| Promises – Malibu, CA | $33,000 per mo | Charlie Sheen, Tommy Lee |
| Passages – Malibu, CA | $40,000 per mo | Mel Gibson, Natasha Lyonne |
| Crossroads Center – Antigua | $19,500 per mo. | Whitney Houston |
| Meadows Clinic – Phoenix, AZ | $1000 per day | Kate Moss, Mike Tyson |
| Tuman’s Alcohol Abuse Center – Chicago, IL | $3.50 domestic bottles | Our writer |
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*This piece was written while consuming 12 beers and a pack of cigarettes. |
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