Archive for June, 2009

  • Livin’ in Correctional Facilities (Madoff Gets 150) -- Jun 30th
    Sleep with one eye open, Bernie. Grip your pillow tight. With "Club Feds" a distant memory, there will be no short game for Madoff to brush up on — only long hours in a jumpsuit behind...

  • Remember the Time (Michael Jackson 1958-2009) -- Jun 26th
    The first time I saw Michael Jackson moonwalk, I remember thinking, "Oh my God, Jesus is black!" Nerd, punk, jock, burgeoning white supremacist, it didn't matter — there wasn't a kid in...

  • Rat-a-Tat-Tat (Tattooed Tattler Comes Clean) -- Jun 25th
    Used to be that if a gal wanted to draw physical attention, she saved up a few bucks and got a boob job. But not 18-year-old Kimberly Vlaminck of Belgium. No, for her, getting 56 stars tattooed on her...

  • Last of the Breed (Ed McMahon 1923-2009) -- Jun 24th
    To say Ed McMahon was a disappointment for not showing up at our doorstep with a balloon bouquet and a gigantic cardboard check may not be fair, but dammit if those brown-windowed envelopes marked "Urgent"...

  • Perez Hilton Black-Eyed by Pea Posse -- Jun 23rd
    Pink-haired, portly puss Perez Hilton is learning the hard way that you don't call a Pea a fruit. In an eleven-minute, profanity-laced parlance on his website, Perez whimpers that he was punched by...

  • Yes We Do! (The Joy of Wedding Season) -- Jun 19th
    Whether you're tuxed up front and center or sitting in back with an open collar, it’s wedding season, and love is in the air. One of the most beautiful things about witnessing the blessed sanctity...

  • Takin’ It to the Streets (Iranian Protests) -- Jun 18th
    Iran is proving once again why it may be a while before it gets a chance to host the Summer Olympics. Violent protests erupted following Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's presidential victory last week, and now even...

  • Political Hanky Panky (Ensign’s Extramarital) -- Jun 17th
    Extramarital affairs in politics are as American as steroids in baseball and crooks on Wall Street. What made Senator John Ensign's confession of marital infidelity unusual yesterday was that his coconspirator...

  • They Are the Champions, My Friend (LA Wins Riot) -- Jun 16th
    Watching this year's NBA championship was like viewing the Janet Reno sex tape.   Sure, there were some exciting moments and the occasional outstanding physical feat, but in the end, it wasn’t...

  • Cooler Than a Body on Ice (Sean Avery Honored) -- Jun 15th
    Tonight, Sean Avery will be honored by our charity partner, Career Gear, at their 10th Annual Capital PerSuit. Here's a bit about the man who's contributed to our favorite cause. We encourage you to do...

  • The Voodoo That Roo Do (Bonnaroo ’09) -- Jun 12th
    You’re sunburned, broke, dehydrated, and covered in muddy cowshit. Your pot is wet, you lost a shoe, and you think that chick Willow you met last night might actually be a dude. Then you realize,...

  • You Can’t Panhandle the Truth (Begging Banned) -- Jun 11th
    One of the hardest things about enjoying a cheeseburger in your car is trying to get the homeless guy at the traffic light to quit knocking on your window. Somehow, a Double Quarter Pounder with cheese...

  • Another Tempting Apple (The iPhone 3G S) -- Jun 10th
    Because technology moves at breakneck speed, and because too much money is never enough, those crafty, cash-coveting cretins at Apple are at it again with—SURPRISE—a newer, faster, and more...

  • Rock ‘n’ Soul (Ex-Call Girl Finds God, Rock, and Love) -- Jun 9th
    He's rocked thousands with his band members, traveling back and forth across the country for years. For years, she's rocked back and forth on thousands of members from all over the country. While it's...

  • Burning Down the Blouse (Topless Barista Arson) -- Jun 5th
    With work hard to find in the small Maine town of 4,500, not many people were willing to pay much for a cup of coffee. But once proprietor Donald Crabtree opened a topless coffee shop, it seemed patrons...

  • Welcome to the Machine (Gaming Gone Wild) -- Jun 4th
    After three days of orgiastic technological pomposity, E3 (the Electronic Entertainment Expo) wraps up in Los Angeles today. The computer and video game trade show has been a figurative Venice Beach pose-down,...

  • Spencer Pratt: Total Prick or Total Shtick? -- Jun 3rd
    Since his start as a small irritation on MTV’s The Hills three years ago, Spencer Pratt has flowered into a full-grown Hollywood hemorrhoid. Whether a maniacal jagoff or a diabolical genius putting...

  • Slamming on the Brakes (GM’s Last Stand) -- Jun 2nd
    It was a somber finale for General Motors, the auto behemoth that once epitomized American industrial might and cruising cool. Well, somewhat cool. For every cherry ride they gave us, like the Pontiac...