Livin’ in Correctional Facilities
Madoff Gets 150 -
June 30th, 2009
Sleep with one eye open, Bernie. Grip your pillow tight.
With "Club Feds" a distant memory, there will be no short game for Madoff to brush up on — only long hours in a jumpsuit behind metal bars. With any luck, his prison cellmate won’t be into septuagenarian keister. After decades of his screwing clients and bankrupting investors, however, it might be poetic justice if the 71-year-old fraudulent financier gets his temperature taken daily … the hard way.
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$12M
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Amount of loot hotel-owner and real-estate superbitch Leona Helmsley left her dog, Trouble, when she died at the age of 87. Dubbed the "Queen of Mean" after saying that "only the little people pay taxes," Helmsley did eighteen months in federal prison for tax evasion. Trouble? He ended up squandering the $12 mil on golden bones, high-end kibble, and hookers’ legs. |
Behind every great fortune there is a crime.
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French novelist and playwright Honoré de Balzac
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And behind every Balzac, there is an a$$hole.
"Crazy Eddie," the East Coast whackjob famous for discount electronics and his outrageous commercials in the ’80s, did eight years in prison and paid more than $150 million in fines for insider trading. US Attorney Michael Chertoff called the former CEO and president, Eddie Antar, "the Darth Vader of capitalism." This would make Bernie Madoff the "Darth Sidious of capitalism" — a comparison not far off, given his uncanny resemblance to the Sith Lord.
Faulknerian Sentences*
| Shalom Weiss – 845 years in 2000 for 78 counts of racketeering, wire fraud, and money laundering |
| Norman Schmidt – 330 years in 2008 for high-yield investment scheme |
| Frederick Brandau – 55 years in 2001 for a Ponzi scheme |
| Tim Hasselbeck – 7 years (and counting) married to Elizabeth from The View |
| *Our boy Faulkner wrote a 1,287-word sentence in his novel Absalom, Absalom. |
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Madoff didn’t make off with anything. It might be possible to outrun Johnny Law, but when it comes to simple math, he’ll eventually catch up … even if it takes twenty years. |
