Snap, Crackle … OHMYGODMYARM!

Getting together with family and friends for picnics and parades is a wonderfully rewarding way to celebrate our nation’s independence, but nothing quite gets the old blood flowing like blowing $hit up. A dude can have the worst imagination in the world, but give him a chilly sixer and some C-4 compound and prepare to be amazed by the mind-bending creative destruction.  

Fireworks have been around since the 12th century, when the Chinese used them to scare away evil spirits. For decades here in America, teenage boys have used them to test the structural integrity of mailboxes nationwide. Back in the day, a man could make a woman “ooh” and “ahh” just by having her look up at the stars, but who needs celestial objects and the Crab Nebula when you have a slingshot and some napalm?

noun.     1. A stick of compressed sawdust that burns extremely slowly, used for igniting consumer fireworks. 2. Genre of rock music  3. See: Bernie Madoff after a few days in general population in prison.

Giving new meaning to the term “buzz kill,” George Plimpton claimed in his book Fireworks: A History and Celebration that approximately 800 people died during a wedding celebration for King Louis XVI and Marie Antoinette after an out of control stampede broke out following the fireworks show. Wow babe, we got cake for days!

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