Archive for February, 2010

TTP | Sweet Soul Sister (Dames We Dig) -- Feb 26th
We hold three truths to be self-evident at The Toilet Paper offices: 1) people that walk without swinging their arms are weirdos, 2) Bloody Marys without celery are an abomination, and 3) Pam Grier was—without...
TTP | Slip Sliding Away (Olympic Curling) -- Feb 25th
The Olympic men’s curling semi-finals air live today from Vancouver, and if you’re like us, you’re flogging yourself that you forgot to take off work. The first thing that comes to mind...
TTP | Can You Dig It? (Bible Study) -- Feb 24th
Congratulations theologians and history buffs! Eilat Mazar, a Holy Land archaeologist, has discovered a 3,000-year-old wall that she believes substantiates the Bible’s account of King Solomon’s...
TTP | Mouth of Pain (Lil Wayne) -- Feb 23rd
Lil Wayne’s debut album went platinum when he was just 17 years old. Sadly, that may have also been the last time the 27-year-old Grammy winner ran a toothbrush over his diamond-encrusted chops. Though...
TTP | The Last of the Breed (Sponsor Tag) -- Feb 22nd
In this age of the quickly dismissed digital single, it is rare that a full-length album can still keep your attention (never mind necessitate purchase). Johnny Cash’s American VI: Ain’t No...
TTP | The Ozzman Whizeth (Ozzy at the Alamo) -- Feb 19th
Ye who have not defiled a national monument with your urine cast the first stone. Twenty-eight years ago today, Ozzy Osbourne’s dyslexia got the best of him when, instead of remembering the Alamo,...
TTP | Sign of the Times (Hollywood) -- Feb 18th
Some landmarks are so woven into the fabric of a city, state, or country that to eradicate them would be to eliminate a central part of that locale’s identity. Imagine Paris without the Eiffel Tower,...
TTP | What Up, Dog!?! (Best in Show) -- Feb 17th
Whether they dutifully walk with their owners, steadfastly guard the homestead, play with the kids, or take power hits off Great Aunt Gertrude’s crotch, the unconditional love and dedication one...
TTP | Phat Boozeday! (Mardi Gras) -- Feb 16th
For most, Fat Tuesday is the last day of Mardi Gras. For a scant few of us, she’s the rotund temptress we lost our virginities to in high school. Either way, good times. With the Saints winning...
TTP | Distinguished Durability (Sponsor Tag) -- Feb 15th
Scars make a man more interesting. Experience can be as attractive as a good education. But running around with a sissified bag with nifty zippers and gold accents will sh!t-can your street cred faster...
TTP | Wine ‘Em, Dine ‘Em! (Valentine’s Day) -- Feb 12th
Going out to dinner on Valentine’s Day is as much a holiday ritual as watching the Detroit Lions get their asses tanned every Thanksgiving. To ensure your evening is a success and that your valentine...
TTP | Fathers, Don’t Let Your Daughters Date… (John Mayer) -- Feb 11th
He’s won four Grammys, jams with blues legends, and has dated some of the best-looking women in show business. Nonetheless, the verbal diarrhea that continually spews from John Mayer’s mouth...
TTP | Fly the Stingy Skies (Blanket Shakedown) -- Feb 10th
It was bad enough when airlines started pimping out headphones for the in flight movie. But when they modified the jacks so that you couldn’t plug in your own, it was just another reminder that flying...
TTP | Shack-stash-tic! (Buried Booze Found) -- Feb 9th
Some things aren’t so great to discover: the company is letting you go, the tickets you bought from the scalper are for yesterday’s gig, and that gal you’ve been dating with the Adam’s...
TTP | Get Your Groupon (Sponsor Tag) -- Feb 8th
We love old ladies in muumuus with alphabetical accordion coupon wallets, but saving 25 cents on off-brand asparagus chowder is a small victory we can live without winning. However, only fools scoff at...
TTP | Fanatics! (Super Bowl XLIV) -- Feb 5th
Some things in life just beg to be seen in person: the Temple of Artemis in Ephesus, the Taiwanese ping pong ball trick (shout-out to the lovely Sunny Wu), and the Super Bowl. Just like the pilgrims in...
TTP | Cover Me! (Polo Outfits Olympians) -- Feb 4th
They come in almost every color and size, can be found stored in drawers and closets in nearly every home in America, and are more popular than complimentary cheesecake at a Lane Bryant store. No, folks,...
TTP | Daughter Idolized? (Scott Brown) -- Feb 3rd
Be the change you want to see in the world, but first lobby to have your daughter get another shot on American Idol. Just three weeks after Scott Brown loosened the bowels of Massachusetts Democrats by...
TTP | Another Good One Gone (J.D. Salinger) -- Feb 2nd
J.D. Salinger, the Greta Garbo of literature, died last Wednesday at the age of 91. After authoring one of the greatest American novels of all time, he virtually disappeared and started drinking his own...
TTP | All You Need Is Love (Sponsor Tag) -- Feb 1st
Valentine’s Day: a holiday where you are damned if you do and damned if you don’t. Give her chocolate, flowers, and a stuffed animal, and you look like an unoriginal ass-hat. Buy her a sex...