TTP | Freeze, Mermaid!
Starbucks & Guns -
March 4th, 2010
To some, rolling into your local Starbucks with a .44 Magnum strapped to your belt is a political statement. To the barista serving you, it’s the perfect incentive for him to get your strawberry Vivanno™ smoothie right the first time.
Gun control advocates are blowing out their O-rings that Starbucks—the caffeine purveying behemoth—is allowing its pistol packin’ patrons in open-carry gun law states to wear their weapons into their stores. The Seattle-based coffee chain says it is merely obeying state laws.
We don’t really give a sh*t—as long as you keep it holstered and don’t pay by check.
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$13.76
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Cost of the most expensive drink you can get at Starbucks. This crazy cat in NYC had a coupon for a free drink and decided to have some fun. It turns out a 13-shot venti soy hazelnut vanilla cinnamon white mocha with extra white mocha and caramel is the beverage for the well-heeled and extremely tired. |
Venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grandé is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn’t mean large. It’s also the only one that’s Italian. Congratulations, you’re stupid in three languages.
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Paul Rudd as Danny Donahue
in Role Models
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JFK
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noun. 1. Thirty-fifth President of the United States. 2. Barista slang for a coffee with three shots of espresso.
Morons! Kennedy was shot twice.
No, folks. That bearded kid with 14-gauge barbell tongue piercing in the black apron isn’t a circus performer or a ninja. He’s a highly trained Coffee Master! These wiley joe jockeys are taught patron engagement (“Be careful, it’s hot!”), buying practices (“What? Weed?”), and the complexities of coffee tasting (“Wow, is all our stuff this bitter?”).
Starbucks Rewards: Another Flippin’ Card
| Balance protection | Check your card’s balance by typing in your handy 16-digit card number. |
| Card customization for $4.00 | Luggage we get. Coffee card? Beat it, nerd! |
| Up to two hours free AT&T Wi-Fi per day | Free at most places. But hey, nice custom card! |
| Free syrup and milk options for your beverage | Do we really even have to make a joke here? |
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Coffee is like a lot like guns. People have very strong opinions, are loyal to those beliefs to a fault, and trying to convince them of any other line of thinking is futile. That being said, isn’t it time you learned the ancient art of origami? |
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