TTP | Caff-Fiend?

The Red Bull Defense  -

September 21st, 2010


Energy drinks are to be consumed by X Game enthusiasts and young crazy bastards willing to jump a rally car off of Long Beach pier. For the rest of us, the piss-flavored, peppy potations are a nice midday pick-me-up. Mix them with soft drinks and diet pills and what do you get? A hiccupping hillbilly's murder defense.

Woody Will Smith of Dayton, KY says he was so fearful his wife and kids would leave him while he slept that he stayed wired on a mélange of legal stimulants. Smith's plan backfired when he strangled his wife with an extension cord in what he described as "a daze." The defense is blaming the homicide on caffeine intoxication.

We blame the hardware store that sold Smith the extension cord.

[Join the conversation about ... caffeine.]




Milligrams of caffeine in one ounce of 5150 Energy Mix. There are 9.5 mg of caffeine in one ounce of Red Bull. The folks at 5150 market their products as "Insanely Fast" and "Insanely Strong."



Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.

Emo Phillips, comedian

Twinkie defense

noun.     a term coined by reporters in San Francisco during Dan White's double murder trial. The term is used to describe an improbable legal defense.



Tampa is the most caffeinated city in the United States – per a 2009 HealthSaver survey – followed by Seattle, Chicago, New York, and Los Angeles. Starbucks can rest easy, Seattle is still number one based on coffee consumption alone.


The List

Blame it on the Rain

Cannibalism as Necessity
Captain Thomas Dudley and a fellow sailor murder and eat the cabin boy after 20 days lost at sea. Their death sentences are commuted to six months in prison. It was 1884, a sh*tty time to be a cabin boy.
PMS Female barkeep, Sandie Craddock, stabs a co-worker to death in 1981 and blames her menstrual cycle. The judge buys it, charges dropped to manslaughter with probation. Co-workers never ask her to swap shifts again.
Sleepwalking Kenneth Parks drives 14 miles to his in-laws' home and beats his mother-in-law to death with a tire iron. Parks' lawyers used sleepwalking as a defense. He was acquitted of murder  in 1988.
Oral Sex
Charged with manslaughter in 1999 after her boyfriend was thrown from a convertible, Heather Specyalski says she couldn't have been driving as she was blowing her boyfriend. Paramedics found his dead body with his pants down. Specyalski was acquitted of all charges.
Male Enhancement Drug Ralph Leon Jackson shoots two people on the Blue Ridge Parkway in 2010 and blames his male enhancement drug for making his mind "foggy." Surprisingly his pecker is apparently longer with unusually impressive girth.

Worried your gal/guy may bail on you? Try something completely unconventional like having a conversation.

Want them to leave? Drink one of these and help 'em pack up.


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