TTP | “Aggressively Unpalatable”
Malört -
November 21st, 2011
To experience a shot of Malört for the first time is to recall fielding a pop fly with your balls… the pain lingers long after the actual event while every onlooker is doubled over with laughter.
Conceived originally in Sweden, this wormwood-flavored schnapps combines the flavor profiles of post-nasal drip and stomach-pumped booze strained through a homeless person’s underwear. Actually, it’s nowhere near that pleasant.
Inexplicably popular in Chicago — where it was originally distilled — this pestilent potation is gleefully suggested to shot seekers by sadistic bartenders. If someone ever slides a shot of Malört in front of you, don’t be a puss, shove everyone out of your way and flee the building at once.
[Join the conversation about ... Malört.]
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64%
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Of American adults drink alcohol. Of those Americans who imbibe, 36% prefer wine, 35% beer and 23% hard liquor. |
Most first-time drinkers of Jeppson Malört reject our liquor. Its strong, sharp taste is not for everyone. Our liquor is rugged and unrelenting (even brutal) to the palate.
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From the warning label on Malört bottles
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Finally, some truth in advertising.
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nom de guerre
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noun. French — an assumed name, pseudonym.
Used in a sentence: “Northern Discomfort” has become the favored nom de guerre of Malört in Chicago bars.
While wormwood is also used in the production of Absinthe, Malort will not make you hallucinate, rather just fill you with regret.
Malört: A Dossier of Disgust
| The Carl Jeppson company of Chicago is the only distributor of Malört in the United States. |
| Relatively unknown in other parts of the U.S., only up to 2,000 cases are sold annually. |
| Won "The World's Worst Liquor" contest on NPR's podcast "How To Do Everything" in 2011. |
| Combines the lingering bitterness of Conan O’Brien with the smell of a mechanic. |
| Sounds like a venereal disease one would catch from the Slytherin House at Hogwarts Academy. |
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The holidays are upon us, and that means sharing generous pours of convivial potables with family and friends. Don’t be a Scrooge, be good to your loved ones: Avoid Malört. |
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