TTP | Foster the Fatties?

Govt. Guts Gormandizing  -

November 30th, 2011


If a third grader weighed over 200 pounds when we were kids, we just made fun of the poor bastard until he beat the sh*t out of us, shot up the cafeteria or slowly came to the realization that pudding wasn’t a beverage.

Nowadays, the state of Ohio steps in, pulls the kid off the pork rind-pumping teat of his mom and sticks him in foster care. Crazy? Justified? Outrageous? We say give the kid a helmet and teach him how to snap a football.

Before you go crying for this kid and his momma, show a little sympathy toward the foster family who, during the cash-crunched holiday season, now have a grocery gobbling behemoth under their roof.

[Join the conversation about ... Fatties.]




Chance American children have of becoming obese as adults if one of their parents is obese. Chances of a kid becoming a prick if his parents are assholes? Unknown.



Govern well thy appetite, lest sin surprise thee, and her black attendant, Death.

John Milton, English poet (1608-1674)

Translated into our modern day lexicon, “Better ingredients, better pizza, Papa John's!”


adj.     of, like, or pertaining to fat or fats in general.

Used in a sentence: One might say Carl’s deli preferences were quite aliphatic given his proclivity for mortadella.



National rates of childhood obesity have more than tripled in 30 years.

Beat it, lacrosse, say hello to the future trendy high school sport… sumo wrestling.


The List

TTP's Guide to Losing Weight

It's almost impossible to have a whiskey gut.  Ditch the beer for bourbon.
Eat at sh*tty places like Perkins and Bob Evans where you'll be sure not to overeat.
For every piece of candy eaten, pull out one (0f your own) pube hairs.
While the taste “blows," Kleenex is a low fat and filling snack.
No need to work out like a Roman gladiator as long as you binge and purge like one.

More poor people, more cheap and fatty food, less physical education programs in schools and too many parents that coddle their kids and don’t say no. What to do?

We’re investing in sweat pant manufacturers.

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