TTP | Been Caught Stealin’
Shoplifting Snafu -
December 16th, 2011
What’s the best way to make a mink smell like a skunk? If you’re Stephanie Moreland, you shove it into your underpants.
When cops first strip searched the porcine pilferer, they assumed Steph’s hoo-ha was horrificaly hirsute. Little did they know the $6,500 purloined pelt was being presented as her thrust-thirsting thicket.
Finally, after three days in jail, Moreland handed the defiled dud over to police, who no doubt begged her to keep it. How does this all shake out? Stephanie gets two years in prison, and some poor gal dating a cheap bastard will end up with a stinky mink from a discount rack at an outlet mall.
[Join the conversation about ... Shoplifting Snafu.]
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Animals are killed worldwide each year for their fur. It takes 60 to 80 minks to make one fur coat. Make it snazzy and add real ivory buttons. |
A fault is fostered by concealment.
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Virgil, ancient Roman poet (70BC-19BC)
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shrinkage
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noun. 1. term within the retail industry for shoplifting. 2. see: George Costanza.
There is no profile of a typical shoplifter. Men and women reportedly shoplift at equal percentages. Most shoplift not out of financial necessity or need, but rather for the “high.” Hear that, kids? The next time your folks catch you with some grass, just say, “You’d rather I shoplift?”
Most Shoplifted Items
| Quality cuts of meat | Let’s be honest, you don’t get a second date with tenderized cube steak. |
| High-end booze | Makes sense. There are more important vices to spend on, like the track. |
| Electric tools or gadgets | “Hey, uncle Jake, why does this iPhone smell like ass?” |
| Gillette razor blades | Seriously these things have the cost and durability of Greg Oden. |
| Clothing | We can’t top a mink coat shoved in some broad's drawers. Honestly, we tried. |
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We are happy to say we’ve never stolen anything before, okay a maybe a Snickers bar and a couple of chicks' hearts, but we were nuts back then. (See what we did there?) Hey, did someone say kick-ass sneakers? |
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