TTP | Purging Potations

Cleansing  -

February 23rd, 2012


Few things are more maddening than laboring in the kitchen to prepare a nice meal only to have your dinner guests proudly proclaim, “No thanks, we’re on a cleanse.” 

“I wish you holistic gurus would have clued me in before I deveined three dozen shrimp,” you say politely, “but please, regale us with the details from your latest bowel evacuation.”

How de rigueur have cleanses become? Yesterday a homeless dude waved off our Jimmy John’s sub, saying he had three days left on the Master Cleanse.

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Of those who lose weight on a diet will gain it back within three years.

Sounds about right, we looked badass back in 2009.



I am on the third day of my cleanse diet. All I have to do is drink maple syrup, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and water for all three meals.

Kelly Kapoor, The Office


adj.     1. that which cannot be doubted.     2. patently evident.     3. unquestionable.

Used in a sentence: Willard’s claim that his turnip juice diet would take off the pounds was indubitable given the dramatic drop in his daily caloric intake.



You will eventually lose weight on any diet where you considerably lower your caloric intake. Liquid cleanse diets can be dangerous if done for too long as they can upset blood sugar, potassium and sodium levels, along with depriving the body of much needed nutrients.


The List

Don’t Forget These

Hallelujah Diet Devised by Rev. George M. Malkmus and based on what he believes God wants us to eat. “Aww, fish and loaves again!”
Cabbage Soup Diet What is this? The Great Depression? You’ll wish it was after slurping down a bowl of this pathetic slop. Thinking the Cabbage Growers of America are behind this scam.
Cookie Diet Mrs. Field’s these are not. A perfect diet if you are blue, furry and live on Sesame Street. Oh yeah, and have had your taste buds ripped off your tongue.
28 Day Raw Detox That’s not your ass, it’s a salad shooter. Three days into this vegan nightmare and you’ll be able to smell a Five Guys within a 10 mile radius.

Losing weight the healthy way is like bringing a woman to orgasm. It’s a lot of work, but the results are worth the effort.

Keep your diets and fancy gym memberships, we’ll be dropping the pounds old school.

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