TTP | Goodbye Cruel World?
Niagaracide -
May 24th, 2012
Niagara Falls, beautiful, breathtaking, stunning. And a super kick-ass way to kill yourself. For most.
Goals and best laid plans are cute, but for most they end in disappointment and heartbreak. Oh sure, some porn star will fulfill her dream of being crowned best interracial, transgender, double penetration three-way, but for most of us, taking a stab at something often means pulling back a bent fork.
BUT, do we fold like a house of cards, collapse like Penny Marshall’s lungs or bail like a masseuse scheduled to give John Travolta a massage? Hell no! Why? Because someday our fork WILL stab true! But if it doesn’t, we'll eschew suicide for watching this year’s presidential race and die from boredom.
[Join the conversation about ... Niagaracide.]
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People each year elect to end it all at Niagara Falls. The falls are second only to the Golden Gate Bridge as the nation's top suicide destination. |
But in the end one needs more courage to live than to kill himself.
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Albert Camus (1913-1960)
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Word up, Al. Especially if your name is Jerry Sandusky.
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cataract
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noun. 1. a clouding of the lens of the eye. 2. a large powerful waterfall.
Used incorrectly in a sentence: Dr. Wang was incensed when the valet wrecked his new Cataract.
The word "Niagara" is derived from the Iroquois word "Onguiaahra" meaning "the strait.” We’re guessing ole Chief Running Bear was just taking a sh*t when braves heard him yell “Onguiaahra!”
Holy Divers/Falls Survivors
| 10/24/1901 | Annie Edson Taylor, a 63-year-old school teacher, went over the falls in the barrel as a publicity stunt. She survived. |
| 07/25/1911 | Bobby Leach, a 53-year-old restauranteur, bragged he could top Annie and went over in a barrel. He spent six months in the hospital recovering from the injuries. |
| 07/09/1960 | Roger Woodward, a 7-year-old kid, went over the falls by accident wearing nothing but a life vest. He was pulled from the plunging pool below minutes later. |
| 07/04/1974 | Karel Soucek, a 37-year-old Canadian stunt man, went over the falls in a specially designed eight-foot-long and five-foot in diameter barrel. He swam away only bleeding. |
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Gambling, big boobs and beer should be solid enough reasons to never want to kill yourself. But just in case those three wonderful things don’t shake your tree, hold on, brothers and sisters. You only get one ride on this crazy planet. Get yourself some real help, then saddle up and make it memorable. |
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