TTP | The Great H2O Swindle
Bottled Water -
July 24th, 2012
We were meeting with our Iraqi sister publication, The Left Hand, earlier this week when the envoy in the meeting asked for some water. When our receptionist returned with a glass full, he was shocked at the sheer audacity she had shown by not bringing him a bottle. We explained modern filtration to him and the fact that our water was jacked with fluoride, but little buddy was really itching for a Fiji.
Look, we buy it and drink it too, but that doesn't make it logical. Bottled water is the greatest rip-off since Dolly Parton kept her top on in Best Little Whorehouse in Texas. Yes, indeed it is necessary in some parts of the world, but Chicago? LA? Where you live?
Plastic bottles pile up, corporations count the easiest dough they've ever made and in the end we're short the most important thing… beer money.
[Join the conversation about ... Bottled Water.]
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40%
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Of all bottled water comes from a city water system (tap water) per the Natural Resources Defense Council (NRDC).
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Water is the only drink for a wise man.
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Henry David Thoreau, philosopher (1817-1862)
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Wow! A smart fella like Hank must have been sh*t-canned to have said something that stupid.
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aquifer [ak-wuh-fer]
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noun. any geological formation containing or conducting ground water, especially one that supplies water for wells, springs, etc.
Used incorrectly in a sentence by a redneck alcoholic talking to his teetotaler date: Watcha drinkin' that aquifer?
According to Food and Water Watch, bottled water produces up to 1.5 million tons of plastic waste per year. That plastic requires up to 47 million gallons of oil per year to produce. While some bottles do get recycled, over 80% of plastic bottles are simply thrown away.
Over Saturation?
| Evian | This used to be the sh*t to suck down walking around the gym in the late 90s while ogling the hot chicks on the thigh machine. It's from some fancy mountains in France. Woohoo! |
| Fiji | Yep, it's from Fiji and is owned by two married American billionaires. They are laughing their sacks off every time you buy the square-shaped bottle with the little waterfall sticker. |
| Nestlé Pure Life | We're not selling many Butterfingers, boys. Let's buy a spring! Beware of spills when opening. The plastic bottle is softer than Bruce Vilanchwatching straight porn. |
| Dasani | This is tap water, folks! Bottled by the peeps at Coca-Cola. If you are drinking this, you are a moron. Quick, hide your bottle before the dude in the cube next to you reads us today. |
| Bling | This stuff makes Dasani drinkers look like neurosurgeons. A Hollywood producer figured if he charged $20 a bottle, dumb celebrities would buy it. He was right. Nice can though. |
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Simply put, folks, we're all a bunch of dicks! If beer came out of our faucet, you can bet your ass we wouldn't be buying it in bottles. Turn on the tap and Brita that sh*t up! |
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