14 Types of People You Will See at a College Football Tailgate
September 2nd, 2010
College tailgating = Awesome.
The sound of the marching band drums, the smell of meat cooking over an open flame, some jackass urinating on the car next to him are all part of the game day experience. The Toilet Paper proudly breaks down the various types of folks you will see in your friendly stadium parking lot this season. Buckle your chin strap. It’s time for some pigskin.
1. The First-Timers - These folks are gung ho for some game day fun and don’t let silly things like planning, preparing and knowing what the hell they are doing get in the way of their quest. If they show up thirty minutes before kick-off honking their way into a packed parking lot, and blow up everything within a 20 yard radius of their truck, you know you’re dealing with a first-timer.
2. The Pros - Some people paint the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, others break out a spread worthy of Hroðgar’s mead hall in Beowulf. Pulled pork? Grilled chicken? Sorry, here have some lobster and bacon wrapped quail. Enjoy any of the seven cold casseroles, salads and pasta dishes and wash it down with a Bloody Mary. Want a beer? Head over to the keg of Stella next to the flat screen.
3. The Dynamic Duo – They have a spot in the most raucous and fun section of the parking lot, yet don’t seem to know anyone. This older couple quietly sits in folding chairs in their team gear with the pre-game show fuzzily blasting from their transistor radio. Two brats slowly cook on their portable George Forman grill as the mellow pair pass a bag of classic Lays between them. Think someone is watching you? They are. Through their creepy old people sunglasses.
4. The Die Hards – Face paint, body paint, goofy outfits, funny hats? Check. Outer dermis be damned it’s Game Day baby and that means going all out and representin’. When it gets hot and the paint slowly creeps into their eyes? No problem. Luckily they brought more face paint!
5. Guess What? We Didn’t Even Go Here – These crazed fans could give a shit whether they are alumni or not. Some barely escaped the intellectual clutches of high school. Point is, there is a game going on in their town and they want to be a part of it. A genus of the die hard family, these “cutters” love to paint up and act a fool.
6. Game Day Gamers – Because drinking, eating, conversing and telling offensive jokes to the “dynamic duo” isn’t enough, it’s also important to have other shit to do before kick-off. Some games are cool. Others defy description. Who wants to play jarts?
7. Bad Ass Rides and The Drivers That Drive Them – Anyone can buy a sweatshirt. These folks went all out and made a flippin’ team vehicle. Hip and cool, they are happy to show you’re their ride. However, scratch, puke or say something rude about their four-wheeled baby and it’s tire iron time.
8. The Drinkers – A football game without a drink is like a Phish show without a handful of shrooms. Pregame elixirs can go down in a myriad of ways. Just beware of the super douche you don’t know walking over to snag a beer out of your cooler while you bong a Schlitz.
9. It’s Saturday Damn It. Lets Party! – These folks are a mix of legit fans, boozehounds and derelicts. Sometimes funny, sometimes weird, their tailgate parking lot shenanigans are not complete until someone gets arrested, beaten up, or applauded.
10. The Party Mob – This roving pack of college kids are a large happy group of friends that love to party, pose for pictures and take turns holding the beer bong for one another in the parking lot. None of them are seriously dating in order to keep all of their options open for post game drunken hook-ups. Most of them have slept together or at least fiddled around. Trying to butt into this group will get you more dirty looks than farting in church.
11. The Cute Couple – This couple gets all gussied up in their game gear then “stop by” the tailgate to "say hi" lest they stick around and anyone flirts with either one of them causing insane jealousy. No matter the temperature you can bet these two cuddle and kiss after every good play. They leave in the middle of the third quarter to “beat the crowds” and rush home to try out a new Rachel Ray recipe.
12. The Same Sex Crew – Either all male or female, these groups of individuals prefer to enjoy the game with their friends, then meet up at bars and co-mingle postgame. Why? The group of girls may all have a boyfriend, but don’t want to leave the single friend out, and the dudes would rather make asses of themselves than listen to stupid questions about the game.
13. Creative Booze Smugglers – Yes, the iced tea that the rotary group is selling inside the stadium is wonderful, but these imbibers need something to pour into it should they need to obnoxiously yell their asses off at a bad call by the referee. Some smugglers are more talented than others.
14. The “Why God Oh Why Did I Not Stick With Football in High School?” Chicks – Gentlemen, take a mental picture and save it for the next time you decide to see how fast you can wash your pecker in the shower. These girls are dangerous and can cause collisions and pile-ups not just in the parking lot, but on the field too. Very possible the coach made sure these ladies were around during recruiting visits. Dangerous? Yes. Worth the risk? You bet your ass-pocket full of whiskey!
See the full College Football issue of The Toilet Paper.