TTP’s Dorm Room Rules

Cramming into a dormitory with a bunch of people you’ve never met can be a blessing, or a burden. If you play it right, you’ll have friends you can hang with for the next four years. Play it wrong and you’ll be living in a studio next year counting down the days until your high school girlfriend comes to visit.

TTP is proud to present this primer for living in the dorms.

The Basics
– Clean up your own vomit.

– Always flush the toilet.

– Don’t steal another rooms remote if you can’t find your own.

– When cooking on a hot plate in your room make sure it’s not some stinky shit like goulash.

The Booze
- Drinking a roommates booze without permission is a major breach of trust (of course if he is a moron and leaves out some top shelf shit, he is asking for it)

- The fridge is for beer, the freezer is for liquor. If there’s any room left you can squeeze in your Lean Cuisine. 

The Babes
- All bondage gear should be hidden from view the first time a potential score enters your room.

- When having a girl up to your room for the first time be sure to throw a towel over your condom filled gumball machine (unless she is jingling change)

- Even if she looks like a wolverine, don’t laugh at another dude’s hall score. She may have hot friends, or he may have a cooler of beer someday when your tapped out.

The Boys
- Always be cool with the RA. He can make or break you. If you get busted for an infraction you can normally, “my bad dude” your way out of it.

- If you end up puking on a shirt or tie you borrowed from a hallmate, have the common decency to to say some other punk at the bar/party/formal puked on you and you beat his ass for the guy.

- Never borrow money from another dude in the hall. Instead pawn shit or sell items for cash. Borrowing makes you feel like a douche and the other guy is more than likely just as strapped as you.

- Give your hall mates a heads up if your parents are coming to visit the dorm. They may not want to see Stoney Stu bouncing naked on a pogo stick with a joint hanging out of his mouth.

The Rest
10. Dip bottles are not to be cleaned in the water fountain.

9. Blasting Nickelback at anytime in the dorm or hall is forbidden.

8. Strolling into your dorm with your high school letter jacket is weak sauce. Unless you are on scholarship at the college or university, leave the glory days behind at home.

7. Holding an elevator for your buddy that is “on his way” is tired. People got class and liquor stores to get to.

6. Walking up and down the halls talking out loud on your cell phone for the benefit of everyone to hear how cool you are is an immediate sign that you aren’t cool.

5.  Blasting porn from your TV pretending you are actually scoring is totally normal. Walking out of your dorm by yourself sweating profusely with a throbbing forearm a few minutes afterward is not.

4. Having pictures in your room of you standing in front of your car? Ace ’em, you silly douche bag.

3. Hanging a poster of a rival school in your room is cause for nothing less than a swift can of whoop ass delivered to your door. If you like that school so much, why are you at this one?

2. All care packages from Mom should be divided up and shared (unless of course there are brownies, cookies, or other cool shit in them.)

1. Never sniff your roomate’s girlfriend’s panties unless the door is locked.

Add your own dorm room rules when you join the discussion about college.