From our 12/22 issue, Merry Flix-mas

Santa was actually a demon until he lost a bet with an angel and is forced to give toys out to children on Christmas. When the bet falls through, Santa goes back to being naughty.

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From our 12/22 issue, Merry Flix-mas

When the vehicle transporting a serial killer crashes into a truck carrying an unstable DNA material, the killer turns into a murderous snowman hell bent on revenge.

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From our 12/22 issue, Merry Flix-mas

A young man catches his divorced mother boning a dude in a Santa hat. He kills them both and grows up to be, you guessed it… kuh-RAY-zee!

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From our 12/22 issue, Merry Flix-mas.

A young man sees his parents killed by a man dressed as Santa. In a remarkably creative twist, the boy grows up to be a killer who favors Santa duds as well.

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From our 12/22 issue, Merry Flix-mas.

Join the conversation about Christmas movies.

From our 12/22 issue, Merry Flix-mas

Disney made an exception to their policy of hiring felons when they allowed Tim Allen to star in 1994′s The Santa Claus. Allen was arrested in 1978 for possession of over one pound of cocaine.

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From our 12/21 issue, McDumbass Supersized

The idea of packaging a toy with a kid’s meal originated with the now defunct chain Burger Chef in the early 1970s. The specially packaged "Funmeal" came with a toy and did early promotional tie-ins with the Batman television series and Star Wars. McDonald’s didn’t launch the Happy Meal until 1979.

From our 12/21 issue, McDumbass Supersized

Corey Feldman started his acting career in a McDonald’s commercial.

At TTP, we pride ourselves on being a jack of all trades, even trades we don’t know jack about. One such trade: soccer. But after getting dragged to a few of our 5-year old nephew’s soccer games, we realized he’s going to lead the U.S. to a World Cup victory in 2018. So we’re boning up on our knowledge now. Brought to you by Fox Soccer, here’s our official primer for Premier League soccer.

► The soccer field is called a pitch. Zero is called nil. Games are called fixtures. The bar is called the pub.

► Players use their feet, knees, thighs, chest, and head to control the ball. Touching the ball with your hands is not allowed unless you are the goalie or Diego Maradona.

► Goals scored with the feet are worth 1 point, goals scored with the head are worth 1 point, and goals scored with the genetalia are extremely rare.

► Pretending like you got shot by a sniper any time you’re tackled is normal behavior. 

►The roots of the Premier League stretch back to 1888 when The Football League was originally founded. In 1991 clubs in the Football League First Division decided to cash in on some TV moolah and formed their own league. The first Premier League game was August 15th, 1992. The lesson, as always, is that a hundred years of tradition is worth less than 190 million dollars.

► Each team plays every other team twice a year, once at home and once on the road. Teams receive 3 points for a win and 1 point for a tie. Whoever has the most points at the end of the regular season is crowned champs. No playoffs? Sign the Dallas Mavericks up.

► Manchester United is the New York Yankees of the Premier League. We apologize if this analogy offends fans of either team, but we can’t think of a better way to describe a team that has won 11 out of the 18 Premier League Championships and is valued at almost 2 billion dollars. With the analogy in place, we’re staunchly rooting against Man U from here on out.

► If you suck, you get chucked. At the end of the season, the bottom three teams are relegated to the Football League Championship, a sort of minor leagues of the Premier League, with three teams coming up from the league to take their place. Can you imagine if the NFL shipped it’s awful teams to the CFL at the end of the season? At least Detroit and Buffalo are well suited geographically for the move.

Soccer fans – What’d we screw up? What’d we forget? Let us know in the comments or send some real knowledge our way.

From our 12/18 issue, The King Has Left the Desk

Larry King is a proud member of the Zipper Club after undergoing quadruple bypass surgery in 1987.

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