• TTP | Unencumbered Slumber (PolarPillow)   --   Feb 22nd, 2012
    Other than a cold fish, a warm pillow is one of the worst things a person can sleep with. When it comes to being a contributing member of society, a good night’s sleep is a necessity. Sadly,...

  • TTP | Purging Potations (Cleansing)   --   Feb 23rd, 2012
    Few things are more maddening than laboring in the kitchen to prepare a nice meal only to have your dinner guests proudly proclaim, “No thanks, we’re on a cleanse.”  “I...

  • TTP | Stoopid Skool Roolz? (Educational Edicts)   --   Feb 28th, 2012
    As if the salary didn’t suck enough, legislators in two states are making it much easier for college graduates to decide not to go into teaching. Arizona lawmakers are proposing all language...

  • TTP | Dead Horse Meet Beating! (The Wall)   --   Mar 1st, 2012
    Did you hear about Pink Floyd’s new double concept album called The Wall? Supposedly an elaborate tour will feature state of the art lighting and a 50-foot-tall replica of the... what? That record...

  • TTP | Sandwich Crème Dreams (Oreo Centennial)   --   Mar 6th, 2012
    Dear Folks,  earlier this morning we suffered from premature distribution. We also sent out today's e-mail without content. Our sincere apologies to your more-than-likely already-overloaded inbox....

  • TTP | Connective Tissue Con Carne (Lunchroom Lament)   --   Mar 8th, 2012
    What happens when McDonald’s, Taco Bell and other fast food restaurants pass on buying 7 million pounds of  ammonium hydroxide-treated beef scraps blended with bovine connective tissue? The...

  • TTP | Hooking Up the Homeless? (Hobo Wi-Fi)   --   Mar 13th, 2012
    Most homeless are ignored like an A-cup flasher seeking beads at Mardi Gras. Others, depending on their look, legitimacy and staked-out intersection, have better luck. In both a heralded and maligned...

  • TTP | A Heartfelt Message from Our Writer! (Show Pony)   --   Mar 14th, 2012
    Dear loyal subscribers, lovers, haters, compliment givers and death threat threateners, I want to thank you all for your readership, comments, vitriol and enthusiasm towards The Toilet Paper these...

  • TTP | The Eyes of March (Hoopla-La)   --   Mar 15th, 2012
    Two thousand and fifty-five years ago today salad icon, Julius Caesar, was stabbed to death in the Roman Senate.  Bad blood or bad anchovies?  Who cares? It’s March Madness bay-bee!...

  • TTP | Adventures in Savings (Sponsored)   --   Mar 20th, 2012
    For lesser men, the remote and a bottle of hot sauce are all the gear they need for a meaningful weekend. Others aren’t happy unless an arctic gust nearly blows them off the summit, or a Kodiak bites...

  • TTP | Highway to Hell? (Road (Un)Cleansing)   --   Mar 20th, 2012
    A religious group blessed a highway in Florida last year, hoping to keep out any pagan riff raff. Ironically, the sheer power of their pious force field also trapped a few doubters inside their county. This...

  • TTP | You’re So Vain? (van8tpl8s)   --   Mar 22nd, 2012
    Other than the mental defectives that drive around with stuffed animals on their back dash, you can’t always tell a lot about a person by the kind of car that they drive. Thank goodness for vanity...

  • TTP | The Father, Son and Wait… Who Invited This Idiot? (Pat Robertson)   --   Mar 27th, 2012
    When it comes to religious zealots, one of our very favorites is Pat Robertson. The twisted televangelist is funnier than a Chinaman’s haircut and just as wonderfully offensive as the previous terminology. Whether...

  • TTP | Spit and Swallow? (Alicia Silverstone)   --   Mar 29th, 2012
    Motherhood can be like sex. Some women find it awkward and inconvenient, some have no idea what they’re doing, some are remarkably adroit, and some are downright FREE-KAYYY! Look no further than...

  • TTP | Blister in the Sun (Sunburns)   --   Apr 3rd, 2012
    When it comes to spring break, few things compliment a bald head and beer gut more than a “Oh my God, your epidermis is in flames!” sunburn.   Each year it never fails. We step onto...

  • TTP | Still Lighting It Up! (The Bottle Rockets)   --   Apr 5th, 2012
    We’ve seen them come and go. Flash in the pans, also-rans, one hit wonders and rock star video pretenders. Some bands get their 15 minutes then fade, others don’t get a shot at all. The...

  • TTP | Unthinkable, Unsinkable! (The Titanic)   --   Apr 10th, 2012
    One hundred years ago today, 2,224 people boarded the Titanic in Southampton, England for her first and only voyage. Four days later 1,514 people died as the boat sank after hitting an iceberg.   The...

  • TTP | Panning for Gold on the Silver Screen (Independent Film)   --   Apr 12th, 2012
    Cinema... the great escape hatch. Two hours of cerebral vacation lubed up with fake buttered popcorn and a darkened theater to take it all in. A time to blow off your own mental graffiti, grab a board...

  • TTP | How I Met Your Mother! (Rock-n-Bone)   --   Apr 17th, 2012
    Perhaps it’s due to the refinement gained during our formative years, but when it comes to having unprotected sex in a bathroom stall at a rock concert, we like to keep it classy and secure our cohort’s...

  • TTP | No More Mr. Nice Guy (Dick Clark)   --   Apr 19th, 2012
    Legendary television and radio show host Dick Clark died yesterday at the age of 82, causing teenagers nationwide to say, "Who?" Clark died of a massive heart attack, apparently after hearing...

  • TTP | Dames We Dig! (Jamie Lee Curtis)   --   Apr 24th, 2012
    While her proclivity to quaff down Activia yogurt no doubt makes her a “regular” gal, her ageless beauty, ferocious acting chops and Hollywood lineage suggest otherwise. This month’s...

  • TTP | To Protect and Get Their Swerve On? (Secret Service)   --   Apr 26th, 2012
    If we’ve taken anything away from the recent Secret Service sex scandal in Colombia, it’s that one should always honor the previously agreed upon rate when paying a local, hard-working prostitute. The...

  • TTP | Havoc of a Broken Heart (Dental Plan from Hell)   --   Apr 30th, 2012
    It’s plausible that a dentist could accidentally pull every tooth out of patient’s mouth, especially if the dentist is Polish, but finding out that she did it on purpose? That bites. When...

  • TTP | An Offer a Sports Fan Can’t Refuse (Sponsor Contest)   --   May 2nd, 2012
    In the 1980s fantasy sports leagues were solely for newspaper sifting loners that never had the pleasure of touching a woman. Today, thanks to the internet and an incredibly innovative site, DraftStreet,...

  • TTP | Sex Cycle? (BMW Boner)   --   May 3rd, 2012
    We normally aren’t of mind to judge a book by its cover, but thanks to BMW we can immediately identify a**holes by looking at their owners. Mercedes, Lincoln, Cadillac and Lexus are luxury auto...

  • TTP | Too Hot to Handle? (Fahrenheit Floozy)   --   May 8th, 2012
    No matter what kind of hose she’s handling, Emma Carr knows how to quell a passionate fire.  The 38-year-old libidinous limey is not only a hardworking firefighter by day, but a high-end...

  • TTP | Open Season in Texas? (Huntin’ a Legend)   --   May 10th, 2012
    One of the great things about the USA is the ability to freely travel throughout the country. However, if you are a sasquatch you may want to keep your furry ass in the Pacific Northwest. You see,...

  • TTP | Disappearing Act? (Living Off the Grid)   --   May 15th, 2012
    Tired of the rat race? Runnin’ from the law? Looking forward to sh*tting in a hand-dug hole for the rest of your life? If you answered yes to any of the above questions, it may be time for you to...

  • TTP | Courage Under Fire? (Tom Gabel)   --   May 17th, 2012
    Being a rock star means having an unlimited supply of vagina available to you. But what if you feel the need to have a vagina to be you? Against Me front man Tom Gabel has the pipes, licks and lyrics...

  • TTP | Sacked! (The Nutty Aggressor)   --   May 22nd, 2012
    The purpose of the scrotum is to protect the testes from dramatic temperature change, thus promoting optimum sperm production. If you’re Crimson Tide fan Brian Downing, you also believe the ole...