• TTP | Prankster of Love? (Kim Calls It Quits)   --   Nov 2nd, 2011
    Kim Kardashian is like a sled dog’s healthy dump on a Koyukuk sidewalk: steaming hot, yet repulsive. As anyone in our solar system now knows, the unskilled siren and her silicone-stuffed pooper...

  • TTP | Uncanny! (Bra Betterment)   --   Nov 4th, 2011
    For most men, they’re an afterthought, something hastily tossed on the floor or out the window of a fast moving Greyhound before the joy of juggling commences. For women, they’re something...

  • TTP | Beans Sans the Gas (Jelly Belly)   --   Nov 7th, 2011
    We recognize four food groups at TTP HQ: Steak, sushi, potatoes and corn syrup laden confections. However, when it comes to candy, not just any will do. In fact, we’re snobs. Only Jelly Bellys...

  • TTP |Vitiated Valley (Sandusky)   --   Nov 9th, 2011
    What have we learned from Penn State Football over the years? Age doesn’t hinder one’s ability to helm a winning football team, some of the best uniforms in sports are the simplest, and if...

  • TTP | Pain Song (Darrell Hammond)   --   Nov 11th, 2011
    Without question there are numerous characteristics required to endure the occasional agony associated with the human condition. Perhaps three of the most critical are courage, perseverance and a good...

  • TTP | Idle Threats? (Gaming Gone Wild)   --   Nov 14th, 2011
    Far be it from us here at TTP to issue a controversial blanket statement like all adults who play video games are losers. Nope, that wouldn’t be fair. Instead we’ll put the number at a strong...

  • TTP | DC Blues!?! (Political Futility)   --   Nov 16th, 2011
    Discussing politics with good friends while drinking is like wearing a wool coat to the movies. In the beginning it seems like no big deal, but soon it gets uncomfortable and heated and you end up spending...

  • TTP | Bosom Buddy (Russ Meyer)   --   Nov 18th, 2011
    If you’ve ever doubted the adage "do what you love and success will follow," look no further than patriot, visionary and tit man Russ Meyer (1922-2004). Virtually ignored by Hollywood...

  • TTP | “Aggressively Unpalatable” (Malört)   --   Nov 21st, 2011
    To experience a shot of Malört for the first time is to recall fielding a pop fly with your balls... the pain lingers long after the actual event while every onlooker is doubled over with laughter. Conceived...

  • TTP | Jive Talkin’ Turkey (Thanksgiving)   --   Nov 23rd, 2011
    Thanksgiving is tomorrow, and that means three things: Eating well, drinking thirstily and finally getting to screw in the ole turkey suit again. That may sound a little silly until you’ve seen the...

  • TTP | A Punk Named Suh! (Ndamukong Amok)   --   Nov 28th, 2011
    It’s a ferocious, full-tilt sport played by steel nerved gladiators. The athleticism is breathtaking and the hits are bone-crunchingly brutal. But what makes the game so engaging is that it is “normally”...

  • TTP | Foster the Fatties? (Govt. Guts Gormandizing)   --   Nov 30th, 2011
    If a third grader weighed over 200 pounds when we were kids, we just made fun of the poor bastard until he beat the sh*t out of us, shot up the cafeteria or slowly came to the realization that pudding...

  • TTP | Bad Religion (Prejudice in the Pews)   --   Dec 2nd, 2011
    Welcome, friends, to Gulnare Freewill Baptist Church, a place of love, compassion and... holy sh*t, who let the interracial couple in? Uh, heh, heh, no big deal folks, no big deal, just seems a might unnatural...

  • TTP | McJustice!?! (Burger Beatdown)   --   Dec 5th, 2011
    Attention all gangsta bitches looking to pass a fake fitty in a Greenwich Village McDonald's: If you jump over the counter in a violent rage looking to assault the cashier who questions the authenticity...

  • TTP | A Cold, Hard Profession of Pain (Enforcers)   --   Dec 7th, 2011
    Whether or not you’re a hockey fan, you know the guy. He’s the towering ruffian whose battered mug is a patchwork of pride, punishment and professionalism. He’s the brute on blades there...

  • TTP | A Classic Misread? (Reindeer Games)   --   Dec 9th, 2011
    If you listen closely you can hear Burl Ives blowing mud in his casket. Yes, some pussified psychologist is desecrating the 1964 holiday classic, Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer television special,...

  • TTP | Pass the Kool-Aid (Tebow)   --   Dec 12th, 2011
    It would be preposterous, even blasphemous to say that God has any kind of interest in the NFL, but there is no doubt that Jesus has more than a couple of Tim Tebow posters in his room.  In another...

  • TTP | Earache Eradicated? (Commercial Volume)   --   Dec 14th, 2011
    We’ve all been there: Roaring fire, threadbare dame beneath a bearskin rug, the soft sounds of Monday Night Football wafting through the surround sound, then just before she gets the tip... An...

  • TTP | Been Caught Stealin’ (Shoplifting Snafu)   --   Dec 16th, 2011
    What’s the best way to make a mink smell like a skunk? If you’re Stephanie Moreland, you shove it into your underpants. When cops first strip searched the porcine pilferer, they assumed...

  • TTP | A Green Christmas? (Real Trees)   --   Dec 21st, 2011
    Christmas trees are a lot like one night stands: Picked up with eager anticipation, whisked home to be admired and enjoyed, and then hastily tossed out the door once they have been used. All that is left...

  • TTP | The Year of the Dragon (2012)   --   Jan 4th, 2012
    It’s a brand new year, folks! If our resolutions remain intact, by June we’ll be thinner, healthier and (according to the ad) longer and thicker. What are your personal goals? Gain a deeper...

  • TTP | An Obvious Epidemic? (Cheating)   --   Jan 6th, 2012
    Cheating is wrong, but admit it... without it we’d be nowhere. There’d be no United States, no Wall Street, no sports — hell, even Arnie Schwarzenegger would be short a kid or two.   The...

  • TTP | Never Mind the Bollocks? (The Perverted Pacu)   --   Jan 10th, 2012
    The next time you’re thinking about donating to a foreign charity, please consider the ball-less fishermen in Papua New Guinea. Jeremy Wade, the host of TV’s River Monsters, recently wrangled...

  • TTP | Dinosaur Blues (Elderly Abuse)   --   Jan 12th, 2012
    What’s worse than dying young? Living too long. Sitting in a nursing home sucking dinner through a straw is no one’s idea of a good time, but imagine being abused, neglected and/or stolen from...

  • TTP | A Military Leak (Poor Soldiering)   --   Jan 17th, 2012
    When it comes to taking a whiz on someone, proper decorum dictates that you not only confirm the person is alive, but also get their blessing first. Last week’s video of four U.S. Marines urinating...

  • TTP | A Dark Secret (Cocoa Slaves)   --   Jan 19th, 2012
    Hope that candy bar you just inhaled was worth it. You know, on account of you supporting child slavery and all. That’s right, it’s not just diamonds with blood on them, but chocolate too....

  • TTP | Clothes Whorse? (Bad Duds)   --   Jan 24th, 2012
    Judging a person by their clothing is small-minded and unfair. It’s also a surefire way to tell if they are a complete ass bag or not. Some, however (mostly ass bags), don’t see it that way. Take...

  • TTP | D.I.V.O.R.C.E. (Good Lovin’ Gone Bad)   --   Jan 26th, 2012
    Marriage and divorce are like bad bridesmaids dresses at weddings or chin dongs on honeymoons...it happens. The reasons for divorce are innumerable. They can be outrageous, heartbreaking and sometimes...

  • TTP | Go West Young Man (Spaghetti Westerns)   --   Jan 31st, 2012
    There are some decent action movies being made these days. Sadly, too many rely on over the top stunts and CGI more than T-Pain does on lame lyrics and auto-tune. Sure the razzle dazzle computer wizardry...

  • TTP | Heavy Metal Moolah! (Gold)   --   Feb 2nd, 2012
    As the nation precariously approaches economic collapse, we here at TTP rest easy upon our towering stockpile of highly liquid and highly valuable Beanie Babies. Of course, we’ll need something to...