Privacy Policy

THE TOILET PAPER greatly respects the private nature of your personal information. This Privacy Policy describes how your information is used when you sign up for THE TOILET PAPER.  If you are paranoid by nature, please read this notice carefully.  If you are a paranoid schizophrenic, please be sure all your personalities read this as well.

Your E-Mail Address
In order to send our hilarious and informative e-mails, we need your e-mail address.  While we do not sell your e-mail address to any third parties, we do share it with The Dildo Hut Liquidation Center so they can send you their monthly mailer – don’t mention it, you are welcome!  Using an illegal blast- modem we will also use your e-mail address to make long distance phone calls to some hilarious foreign country where people talk with thick accents. The outrageous fees we charge you for these phone calls will be siphoned into an offshore bank account for us here at THE TOILET PAPER to blow at our discretion.  In all seriousness, your e-mail is neither sold nor shared with anyone without your expressed consent.

Who Our Readers Are
In order to learn the full scope of our readership we may at some time include a survey based on non-personal identifiable information. This demographic and profile data helps us in content planning and site improvement.  We may share this information with others, such as advertisers interested in advertising in THE TOILET PAPER.   Definition:  This information is captured in an aggregate and anonymous form – a means in which information does not contain any personally identifiable data.  

What Our Readers Like About Us
In addition to collecting personal and non-personal information, THE TOILET PAPER may also collect aggregated information about how subscribers use our site. Items like how much time users spend on our site, sites they came from and are going to. For example let’s say you just came from, we will call and tell your wife and friends so they can laugh and publicly humiliate you.  Once again in all seriousness, we only use this information to improve our site and learn more from our readership.  

Review and Access
Upon your request, we will provide you with a summary of the information we collect about you. You will have an opportunity to correct, update or modify this information.

The Bail Out
If we ever send you information by e-mail concerning new products or services that you did not expressly request, you can e-mail us to take you off the list.  Of course it would be incredibly foolhardy to do so as some of the notices you get could be cool shit like fire engine rides or your own Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader, bound and shipped to your home.  

Baked Goods
THE TOILET PAPER, like most sites, use "cookies." Cookies are small text files placed on your computer’s hard disk by our server. They allow us to quickly check your status as a subscriber and facilitate access to your preferences.  THE TOILET PAPER also uses transparent GIF images. We use these images to track the e-mails that we send out.

Third Party Cookies
In the course of serving advertisements to this site, our third-party advertisers may place or recognize a unique cookie on your browser.

Links to Other Sites
As part of the service, THE TOILET PAPER may create links allowing you to access third party sites. THE TOILET PAPER is not responsible for the content that appears on those sites and does not endorse these sites. Please consult those sites’ individual privacy policies in order to determine how they treat user information.

All information described above is stored on restricted database servers.  Or at least, that’s what our IT guy says.  We should mention he reeks of patchouli and refers to society as Babylon.

Policy Changes
THE TOILET PAPER may modify this policy. If we do you will be the first to know as we will post the big exciting news here.  However, dealing with lawyers is such a pain in the ass that we will more than likely keep it the way it is.

Contact Us
If you have any questions about this policy or our site in general, please first put down the conspiracy theory text you are reading and get a grip.  We are not spying on you or your computer habits, by the way, that is a cool t-shirt you are wearing.  If you are still a complete Mary you can contact us.

Effective Date: November 17, 2008