Thinking About … Office Food Theft

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Anonymous

1) I officially love “turd furnace,” and am committed to doing what I can to inject it into my daily discourse. In exchange,I humbly offer “dick-wrinkle,” “douche-rocket” and “crap-wrangler.”nn2) Nobody steals my lunch. This is not only because I have my own in-office ‘fridge which I guard jealously, but also because when I bring lunch to work, I do it in one of a series of very distinctive vintage collectible lunch boxes.nn3) On the list of “Office Goochers,” you forgot an important one: The turbo-schmuck who makes microwave popcorn at 3:30. As if I weren’t peckish enough in the late afternoons. Not to mention that if I wanted bronchiolitis obliterans, I’d camp out on the roof of the smelting plant.
Jeggy807

‘Douchetastic Assclown’ has become my descriptive phrase of choice when dealing with…….douchetastic assclowns.
Gargoyle666

Once had to deal with a habitual lunch nabbing turd furnace. After a particularly infuriating theft – a homeless teen’s peanut butter sandwich, we made some very appetizing brownies w/a healthy dose of ex-lax. We left the bait wrapped in clear plastic in the fridge. Later that day, 1 or 2 delicious brownies turned up missing. nnThe very next day, the lunch nabbing turd furnace was unable to attend work because of some mysterious “intestinal distress.”
Anonymous

We had this same problem in a warehouse I worked at. A solution was to set up the fiend. A dog-poo burrito works great (just open up any fast food burrito and put in the special ingredient… our food moocher had a liking for Del Taco). The turd furnace got caught, since the smell got everyones attention. While the smell did clear out the break room, it did single out who the crap-wrangling, douche-rocket was. He got fired, and we got a new microwave!nnAnyone else out there with tales of lunch-room justice?
Southerngent

Man, that brings back memories……I was sick for two days!!! No, seriously, I did not think many people this day and age knew of that little trick. We did the same thing to a major prick in college. We had nicknamed him the Grey Ghost. After his brownie nabbing he was still a prick, but his beer thefts and food thefts came to a halt. The girl I was dating at the time did a masterful job with the brownies. She even added pecans to them to make them more appetizing. The GG ate the entire batch. You probably don’t remember one of the old time laxative/salts, Sal-Hepatica. Real salty powder type laxative. We concocted some awesome uses for that crap.
Southerngent

Yep. Just posted one a few minutes ago. Involved Chocolate Ex-Lax, a brownie mix, some pecans, and a prick.
http://profiles.google.com/skyhawkmkiv Sean Campbell

Once, I actually caught someone in the act of stealing someone else’s lunch. I said, “hey buddy, your name isn’t ‘Jenny’s Lunch’!”. And you know what? I got the deer-in-the-headlights look, and he slowly put it back. I heard him mutter “fucking bastard” under his breath as he left the break room. I didn’t care, my victory was had. They never really expect to get caught, do they?
Darlene

My boss thinks that since he owns the company and the building he has free reign of what is in our office, and not just the refrigerator. We have shown up for work to find that everything we had left in the fridge on Friday has all been thrown away, even full loafs of bread, full jars of peanut butter, mayo, pickles, even Tupperware with food in it. We have learned to take our food home with us on Fridays. Not only does he purge the lunch room, but it continues with desk items that are not work related, figurines, candy dishes, snow globes, holiday decor. I think it would be wise of us to purge the office of all his bottles of alcoholic beverages in order to keep our vacuum cleaner of a boos off our shiz!!!!
Enraged

No, they don’t, but heaven help them if the boss finds out they stole his or her lunch.
Enraged

One question: Is the guilty party still working there, or did management do the right thing and give them the Royal Order of the Steel-Toed Boot in their behind?